Shared keyboards, chairpooling and other budget-cutting proposals

Further suggested cost-cutting proposals for the federal workforce:

* Shared keyboards.

* Replace all smart phones with “nice personality” phones.

* One word: chairpooling.

* Any money found in employees’ pockets when entering federal buildings belongs to the Treasury.

* Federal employees required to provide their own toilet paper.

* At staff meetings, everyone will be asked to think of a number. Those that match manager’s number will be furloughed for the day.

* Employees with birthdays on odd-numbered days are furloughed on Mondays and Wednesdays, and those with even-numbered days on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

* Employees how have choice between mandated furloughs or cleaning agency windows.

* All desks will be metered at 50 cents an hour.

* Rent out cubicles as low-budgeted motel rooms at night and on weekends, conference rooms as “suites.”

* Replace all printers with slates and chalk.

* Agency coffeemaker now works on a lottery basis.

* “Bring Your Daughter to Work” Day will now be called “Have Your Daughter Take Calls” Day.

* Return to budget 1.0.