White House: No Deportation for Justin Bieber

In a decision sure to break a few American hearts, the White House has announced it won’t be deporting Canadian-born pop-star and wearer-of-strange-outfits Justin Bieber.

The Obama administration was forced to respond to a petition launched in January to “deport Justin Bieber and revoke his green card” after it exceeded the 100,000-signature threshold in less than a week and now totals nearly 274,000 signatures.

“We the people of the United States feel that we are being wrongly represented in the world of pop culture,” the petition states. “We would like to see the dangerous, reckless, destructive, and drug-abusing, Justin Bieber deported and his green card revoked. He is not only threatening the safety of our people but he is also a terrible influence on our nation’s youth. We the people would like to remove Justin Bieber from our society.”

The White House’s response late last week to the Bieber inquiry was short and politically bland, foregoing the creativity it has used in past petition responses – including one for the Obama administration to build a Death Star, the ominous, world-destroying space ship from Star Wars.

“Sorry to disappoint, but we won’t be commenting on this one,” said the White House, seguing to a We the People terms of participation loophole that explains when the administration doesn’t have to respond to petitions.

“To avoid the appearance of improper influence, the White House may decline to address certain procurement, law enforcement, adjudicatory, or similar matters properly within the jurisdiction of federal departments or agencies, federal courts, or state and local government in its response to a petition,” the official White House response said.

Of course, the White House did use the Bieber petition as a platform to chide House Republicans, encouraging them to schedule a vote to reform the country’s “broken immigration system.” In that, the White House brought back a little creativity, making a pun from one of Bieber’s albums.

“They just need to schedule a vote for reform. Never say never – House Republicans could do this tomorrow,” the response states.

Bieber, who boasts the single largest Twitter following in the world, hasn’t tweeted about the response yet, but he certainly no stranger to controversy. He was arrested in Miami Beach in January on suspicion of driving under the influence and resisting arrest.